How to Have an Almost Perfect Marriage Read online

  The Bedroom Mirror is also a highly important item. It needn’t be especially ornate but should be full-length to allow you and your partner to see what they look like from top to toe. Of course, couples of a certain age such as Stephen and, to an extent, myself may prefer a more forgiving and less revealing length. For those couples, I would recommend a mirror no greater than 60 centimetres in length, which also has the advantages of being quicker to clean and easier to affix to the ceiling above the bed.

  Bedroom Storage – The division of storage in the bedroom is one which should be addressed as soon as possible. Space can be at a premium, assuming you don’t have a walk-in wardrobe (which can pose its own problems – in Stephen’s case, nightmares about lions and witches). It’s very important that both husband and wife have sufficient space for their needs. I need room for my hats and Stephen needs room for when he comes in from one of his pub crawls and can’t find the bathroom – or, as he calls it, a wardrobe malfunction.

  C

  Ceilings – Often overlooked, or underlooked I should say, the humble ceiling plays a surprisingly big role in the impression of space in a room. Without one, you get a really accurate impression of space, particularly at night.

  Cellar – Whether for wine, lager or expired vagrants, a good cellar is a welcome addition to any home.

  Chimney Breast – I really don’t have anything to say about this. Stephen insisted I include it because he likes the word ‘breast’. And chimney, strangely.

  Class – The way you choose to decorate your home says everything about you. From the quality of jokes on your toilet rolls to the trajectory of your flying ducks to the type of plastic fruit in your bowl (bananas or kumquats), your entire house is a testament to your class, or lack of it. However, if you lack any discernable sense of taste, don’t panic. Here are just a few handy hints to help you present your home in the best possible light.

  Present your home in the best possible light. Change those dead bulbs and give that Elvis lamp a jolly good dusting.

  Don’t worry about that motorbike in the living room – the upper classes are famously idiosyncratic. Simply make a feature of it by draping a stuffed mongoose over the seat and painting the mudguards pink.

  A log effect fire is a real giveaway. Those mock flames won’t provide you with any warmth when you find yourself in the bleak, cold social wilderness. Replace it with a patio heater immediately.

  First impressions count and being forced to stand on your doorstep listening to the Birdy Song will impress no-one. When it comes to doorbells, a simple ding dong is more than adequate. It alerts you to your guest’s presence while simultaneously reminding them of Leslie Phillips – far classier.

  Conservatory – Essentially a greenhouse for people, a conservatory should be clean, spacious and filled with bags of compost. In the summer, it can make an ideal breakfast room before the daily temperature makes the heat unbearable. Then it makes a perfect granny flat.

  Curtains – If, as someone famously once said, your windows are the eyes to your soul (thank you, Vaguelytruepedia.com), that must make your curtains the eyelids (with those fringey bits, the eyelashes and the adjoining damp patch, the mascara). More than mere window-dressing, your curtains can add a touch of flair to your room as well as providing something to position yourself behind when keeping a well-meaning eye on your neighbours. Any number of shades and patterns are available for those wishing to add a colourful accent to a room. And what more colourful accent is there than Welsh, with its delightfuly melodic overtones and endearingly phlegmy aftertaste? A dragon or leek-based design can’t fail to attract the attention of your visitors and let’s not forget they do Doctor Who now too!

  D

  Doors – Often ignored, your doors can make all the difference between a welcoming family home and an assortment of sealed rooms. Doors come in all shapes and sizes, from ornate oak ones to cat-flaps. But which kind of doors are best for your house? Without wishing to be too prescriptive, I think you’ll find the following a useful guide – for the living room I would recommend a living room door, for the kitchen, a kitchen door, for the bedrooms, bedroom doors and for the front of your house, a front door. Additionally, if your house has a back, you might want to consider a back door. This can be particularly useful if, like me, you have regular visits from tradesmen or an especially embarrassing husband, although in my experience it’s best not to allow him to get too fond of using your back door (nor the tradesmen, come to that).

  E

  En-suite – Often found in hotels, en-suite refers to a bedroom with an additional room attached, usually a bathroom rather than a billiard room or a kitchen. While not inexpensive, an en-suite can be an absolute godsend if you or your partner is in the habit of making numerous nightly visits, especially after a night in the Dog & Duck. Stephen certainly makes good use of ours (see Walk-in Wardrobe).

  Extensions – Almost inevitably, a couple will reach a point where their house is no longer big enough. This could be due to excessive acquisition of household items, pets or simple contraceptive failure. When this happens, you have two choices. While moving to a larger house can seem the obvious option, it’s not without its drawbacks – moving house has been described as the third most irritating thing you can do after dying and getting married. Also, you may have built a strong emotional attachment to your current property and not wish to leave. If this is the case, then an extension could be for you. As with an attic conversion, it’s vital to obtain planning permission – we learned this the hard way after Stephen extended our living room into next door’s kitchen – but it can be an immensely satisfying experience. There is something almost primeval about man’s desire to build and woman’s desire to watch him in his string vest. Hmmm……now, where was I? Oh yes…F.

  F

  Feng Shui – This is the ancient Chinese art of furniture moving. While some sceptics refuse to accept that the position of your furniture can affect your health and fortune, I am a whole-hearted advocate of the system. My ability to enjoy a good night’s sleep improved instantly by simply moving our washing machine from the bedroom into the kitchen. And when I moved the sofa from the living room into the back yard, I felt an enormous sense of calm and well-being – despite it being awfully hard to shift with Stephen lying on it.

  Fireplace – generally the best place for a fire. Why tamper with tradition? Or the fire, as I’ve said to Stephen on numerous occasions – usually in a speeding ambulance.

  Fish bowl – This can be useful in a number of ways – as well as providing a habitat for fish, it can provide a nice water feature for your hallway and a receptacle for car keys on more adventurous social occasions.

  Flow – Interior decorators are always talking about the flow of a house. This is achieved by seamless design which leads the eye and the beholder effortlessly from one room to another. This is a great deal harder than it sounds, especially when you and your partner have such divergent tastes as me and mine. The nearest we get to a sense of flow is when Stephen falls asleep in the bath with the taps running – then it’s possible for me to mop seamlessly throughout the entire house.

  Focal point – A focal point is usually some form of static object which draws the eye and provides a topic of conversation for visitors. This could be an unusual clock, a striking figurine or, in my case, Stephen (this may seem a little harsh but as Stephen himself says when I ask him to move – there’s focal point. At least, that‘s what I think he says).

  Fridge – The fridge is the heart of any home, the family fuel tank. However, it needn’t be a purely functional item. A fridge can also make a statement – or several, if you have enough magnetic letters. Buying the right one can be a daunting experience. Generally, the ruder-sounding the name, the better the fridge. Smegs are very highly rated, as are Wenkas and Cunds (nb this also applies to bedroom furniture, where you simply can’t beat Fugkin bedsteads).

  Furniture – Whether you sit on it, sleep on it or eat your dinner off it (or a
ll three at once, in Stephen’s case), there’s no ignoring the importance of furniture in the family home. As a rule, the more you pay for your furniture, the longer it will last.

  G

  Garden – Traditionally, the garden was the man’s domain. He would till the soil, mow the grass and tend the vegetables. When we moved into our first house, Stephen was terribly enthusiastic, keen to recreate the seventies BBC sitcom, The Good Life. His interest soon waned, however, when it became clear cauliflowers wouldn’t grow on a concrete yard and you couldn’t get Felicity Kendal from the local garden centre. The truth is, I’m not sure what Stephen wants but I’m pretty sure he needs decking.

  Something else you may wish to have in your garden is what experts call a water feature. It’s important to opt for something proportionate in size and tone to the rest of your garden such as a lily pond or small fountain not, as Stephen insisted on, a 1:1 scale recreation of the Universal Studios tour in Florida. It’s patently inappropriate for a small suburban terrace, although I have to admit it can be fun watching the reactions of passers-by as they’re drenched by the 20-foot animatronic shark.

  H

  Housework – One of the major causes of marital disharmony is the division of labour in the home. If you don’t establish the ground rules early on, you are setting yourselves up for years of drudgery and resentment. Like most modern women, I have no desire to be chained to the kitchen sink – unless it’s purely recreational. Like Stephen, however, many husbands are still resistant to doing their share around the house, seeing putting out the bins and opening jars as the limit of their domestic responsibility. On the odd occasion I actually managed to persuade Stephen to do the washing-up, he would deliberately perform the task as inadequately as possible, although I didn’t fall for that in the kitchen any more than in the bedroom. Eventually, my only recourse was to outwit him – something that would require at least 10 per cent of my guile.

  Like so many men, Stephen is a competitive animal and so I introduced an element of sporting endeavour to the daily household chores. Now, he’s only too happy to represent his country in Extreme Washing-up, Australian Rules Hoovering, Pro-celebrity Toilet Cleaning and Synchronised Scrubbing. It may cost me a small fortune in prize money, medals and sponsorship deals but it’s worth it.

  I

  Island – Not literally an island, of course, but a free standing kitchen unit. Often topped with granite or some other equally ostentatious material, it doubles as a food preparation area and somewhere to lean when you’re having one of your turns.

  J

  Jurassic Park – Just one of the many wallpaper designs I refuse to let Stephen choose.

  K

  Kitchen – You may call me old-fashioned but I still regard the kitchen as strictly the woman’s domain. Many argue, pointing out that the majority of top chefs are male and while I accept that I could never hope to compete with their colourful turns of phrase, I maintain that when it comes to good, traditional, edible cuisine what you really need is a woman. And a can opener. And a microwave.

  L

  Lighting – It’s possible to alter the whole personality of a room by your choice of lighting. A fluorescent strip will give it a stark, clinical look whereas strategically placed uplighters will create a more relaxed mood. If the bulb in your bedroom is too bright it can be detrimental to you-know-what. I asked Stephen to change ours but he wasn’t able to which is a little depressing, although to be fair to him he has just recently got a little dimmer.

  Lounge or Living Room – It’s up to you. Personally, I prefer lounge.

  M

  Maintenance – Household maintenance, or DIY as it has become known, is traditionally a male domain but nowadays more and more women are picking up the tool box themselves. In my own case, I often grow tired of waiting for Stephen to put up a shelf or fix a cupboard door and find myself forced to pick up a hammer myself. After no more than half a dozen carefully administered blows, he’s generally more than willing to carry out the required task. Of course, when it comes to more expert jobs such as plumbing or changing a light bulb, I always insist on calling a professional. Not only do they provide an efficient service, they are usually willing, for a small additional fee, to satisfy my womanly needs – such as shifting Stephen off the sofa so I can watch Emmerdale.

  Mirrors – There’s more to mirrors than meets the eye, as Alice discovered. As well as enabling you to check your appearance (with or without your husband writhing above you), they can also create the illusion of greater space in a room. A relatively small room can appear almost double the size by the simple addition of a couple of large mirrors. (warning – be careful not to position your mirrors on opposite walls as this creates a portal to an infinite number of universes and before you know it you’ll be sucked into some kind of vortex and miss Diagnosis Murder.)

  Additionally, a mirror can be an invaluable aid in food preparation. By simply holding one under Stephen’s nose, I can confidently predict the amount of food I need to prepare.

  N

  Nest of Tables – An odd phrase, this – almost suggesting that tables are hatched from eggs laid by giant birds and we all know that’s ridiculous. In fact, I’ll just check Vaguelytruepedia.com to check the real derivation of the term…

  O

  Oh – Apparently they are.

  Ottoman – Not, as Stephen thought, a Spider-Man villain, but a padded footstool.

  Oven – If the fridge is the family fuel tank, the oven is its engine, taking in the fuel, or food, and heating it up to, er, make the steering wheel go…I’m terribly sorry, dears – I really don’t know anything about cars.

  P

  Pantry – Not a place to keep your pants, as the name suggests, but a small storage room for your cooking items, ingredients and utensils. And Stephen’s pants.

  Photos, Pictures and Prints – If you want to liven up a drab wall, the easiest way to do so is to hang up a picture. It could be a nice photograph of something personal – or your family – or possibly, an attractive print.

  Poker-Playing Dogs – See Photos, Pictures and Prints. And Class.

  Q

  Quirky – When something deviates from the norm, it’s known as quirky. Or kinky. Either way, I’m having none of it in my house.

  R

  Retro – A highly popular theme for many houses – and relatively inexpensive too, provided you’re prepared to wait long enough.

  S

  Scandinavia – I’m sure you can’t have failed to notice the ever-increasing influence of Scandinavia in our homes. I’m proud to say that our household is completely up-to-date with this. Thanks to Stephen Junior and Viennetta, the house is a continual procession of girls in ill-fitting jumpers with dragon tattoos and incomprehensible would-be murderers.

  Shower – Popularised by the famous Alfred Hitchcock documentary on motel bathrooms, the shower has become as fundamental an aspect of the bathroom as the bath itself. It is also quicker to use and saves water, second in both only to Stephen’s favourite – not bothering to get washed at all.

  Sofas – The most important item of furniture in your living room, you should take your time choosing exactly the right one for your needs. A good sofa should be able to withstand the weight of one adult male for up to 16 hours per day and have ample space behind the cushions for approximately 10 pounds in loose change, half a dozen items of underwear, several TV guides and the odd baby.

  Skirting Boards – Not to be underestimated, the apparently insignificant skirting board is an essential component of any room. Without it there would be a sizeable gap between the wall and the floor and consequently the most terrible draughts.

  Sinks – Have you heard of the phrase, ‘Everything but the kitchen sink’? Well, you’ll be pleased to know it doesn’t apply to this chapter, dears! How could it? Without the kitchen sink, one can only imagine the state of the average family kitchen. Plus, there would be one reason fewer to wear rubber gloves (see bedroom).

 
Spare Room – If you are fortunate enough to find yourselves with a spare room in your new home, you may face a difficult decision – how best should you use it? Stephen and I found ourselves in this position when we bought our first property and it took several weeks to resolve the issue. I wanted to use it as a guest room for friends and family to use when they visited and Stephen wanted it to store his back issues of Razzle magazine. Finally we managed to reach a compromise – we used it as a bedroom for the children, which then freed up the garden shed for Stephen’s magazines.